If you could only see, the beast you made of me.

Everything always just seems to go that little bit too far.

Problems and emotions always just get bigger and more complicated and more painful.
I said once that I feel no shame. It's true I don't, or not as much as I should. I do on the other hand feel guilt.
I made out with someone else's boyfriend. More than that, I probably would have fucked him while she was in the next room asleep if I hadn't of been on my period.

I suppose I should take the advice that I gave a couple of my friends not too long ago.
"You're not the one that's cheating its not your fucking problem."

I still agree with that and it does help to lessen my guilt, however... there is that small issue of respecting yourself.
I know he's not going to break up with her, I know there is no chance of a relationship with us, so why do I let him get close to me? I'm just asking to get hurt.

I already know the answer to this, because aside from really turning me on he is a fucking fantastic friend, and I don't have many of those. He also reminds me of my dad in certain ways, where I know that is some Freudian fucked up shit, my dad is a great guy and I would be lucky to find a guy like him... that im NOT related to.

There are plenty of other guys I could go for if I really wanted to... for some reason Im never interested in those guys though.

The ones that could actually go somewhere and be a real relationship.

I like to think that I am strong and confident and wouldn't let any man take advantage of me, but there are those to slip through the net and I end up letting them walk all over me.

Is the trick just to not let anyone get close to you?

I cant stop shopping.
Im suppose to be saving but everytime I leave my work, which is in the centre of town, if i dont have to rush off to meet my dad i'll end up shopping. I'm spending it faster than I can earn it when I'm supposed to be saving. For those split seconds though I feel good buying something. Walking around the shops and feeling like I am important and part of something. I've brought so many new clothes recently I can barely keep up. At least one new item of clothing per week.
Last week I brought four tops and a pair of shoes.

In two days I have easily spent £100. I paid for a fathers day meal and cocktails, then today I had to go to the chemist to stock up on make up and moisturiser and thing and then finally I brought a dress which I don't really think I needed.
Not to mention the large amounts of alcohol I seem to be consuming... It hurts to even look at my bank statement.
I'm going to try and be very strict with myself and not listen to the voices in my head that tell me I need to buy more clothes.
Thank fuck I get paid on Friday, from both jobs.

I admitted to my dad that I was lonely the other day. I can't believe he doesn't see it.
He thinks we're so alike, but sadly I'm far more like my mother than he or I would like.
She loves being around people, being the centre of attention at all times and always thinking that shes better than someone.
Thankfully I'm not that similar to her, however I do like to always be around people.
I get ever so lonely and really struggled with being an only child.
I used to fill my bed up with cuddly toys just so it would feel like there was someone else with me. I still keep one at the end of my bed and of course I have my fish. Just hearing their water pump and knowing they are there helps me sleep better at night.

Rhianna is like my sister. I'll never be closer to anyone than I am to her.
I love my dad a hell of a lot. But me and Rhianna know each other better than we know our selves. We're soul friends. And right now shes half way across the world. We've kept it touch via email and facebook, but tis never the same. I miss hearing her voice and the smell of her perfume. It's sad and probably slightly pathetic as I will see her in four weeks now, but its days like this when I could really do with a cuddle and a glass of wine with a friend.

Oooo Went out for coffee with Ex at the weekend. That was odd, to say the very least. He paid, well I wasn't gunna fuckin do it, not when he still owes me money. We chatted about our families and our jobs and the moment. I made fun of his iphone, because iphones are just blackberrys with loads of extra stupid pointless shit, oh and no keys because they want to make owning one a real challenge.
When I left him, literally two mins later I had a text from him telling me how great it was to see me again. Christ. thats the last thing I need. So I didnt text him back.
He is exhausting!!

To top it all off Glee has finished!! But wasn't that a fucking awesome series? I cant wait to round two!! :D

Yeah... im leaving now after my mega rant.
Just so you know, I haven't shared everything detail about the events on here... some things are just too private, plus I dont think anyone would really care to know.
I don't know why you are reading this shit anyway.
I like using it to vent my typing anger. You should see how fast my fingers move when I type this shit.
Thats why you should please excuse any typo's you see. I dont like to read back over it in case I chicken out and delete the whole fucking thing.

Hope you are having a better week than I am.

Love x