twi-con

hello darlings.

Well I'm writing to you back in New Jersey now, just spent a lovely couple of hours sun bathing on the lake!

Had a great weekend in Boston at the Twilight Convention.
Boo Boo Stuart is adorable. Spent whole weekend signing autographs and talking to fans. Bless him. Felt rather uncomfortable when he went in for the hug to tell you the truth! You come into my personal space when I invite you! Not the other way round, no matter what film you are in. Obviously the likes of Charlie Bewley, Kellan Lutz and Daniel Cudmore are always welcome, not just in my personal space, but in my intimate space as well, if ya know what I'm saying!

The Q&A's with the cast were awesome! They were all really friendly and didnt take themselves too seriously! In fact some of them were hysterical!!

Got autographs from all of them and even found out tat Charlie went to University at the University I'm going to in September! I have a new love. I always knew I would end up with a British man. its not just Americans who love the accent! Hes a charmer, I can tell!

Got to see a small sliver of Boston and what I saw I really liked! Its definitely a place I could see myself living.

Food wise, ive had some American Pizza, Nutterbutters (my gaffa would love them!!), Spicy mac and cheese; I had this at the hard rock cafe, i'd still like to check out the Kraft version before I go back. Baby Ruth; a chocolate bar not dissimilar to out Picnic bars. very delicious.

Lots more to tell you but Im desperate for a shower and Jess has just got out of the bathroom!

So tata for now folkes!

Much loves xxx

If you could only see, the beast you made of me.

Everything always just seems to go that little bit too far.

Problems and emotions always just get bigger and more complicated and more painful.
I said once that I feel no shame. It's true I don't, or not as much as I should. I do on the other hand feel guilt.
I made out with someone else's boyfriend. More than that, I probably would have fucked him while she was in the next room asleep if I hadn't of been on my period.

I suppose I should take the advice that I gave a couple of my friends not too long ago.
"You're not the one that's cheating its not your fucking problem."

I still agree with that and it does help to lessen my guilt, however... there is that small issue of respecting yourself.
I know he's not going to break up with her, I know there is no chance of a relationship with us, so why do I let him get close to me? I'm just asking to get hurt.

I already know the answer to this, because aside from really turning me on he is a fucking fantastic friend, and I don't have many of those. He also reminds me of my dad in certain ways, where I know that is some Freudian fucked up shit, my dad is a great guy and I would be lucky to find a guy like him... that im NOT related to.

There are plenty of other guys I could go for if I really wanted to... for some reason Im never interested in those guys though.

The ones that could actually go somewhere and be a real relationship.

I like to think that I am strong and confident and wouldn't let any man take advantage of me, but there are those to slip through the net and I end up letting them walk all over me.

Is the trick just to not let anyone get close to you?

I cant stop shopping.
Im suppose to be saving but everytime I leave my work, which is in the centre of town, if i dont have to rush off to meet my dad i'll end up shopping. I'm spending it faster than I can earn it when I'm supposed to be saving. For those split seconds though I feel good buying something. Walking around the shops and feeling like I am important and part of something. I've brought so many new clothes recently I can barely keep up. At least one new item of clothing per week.
Last week I brought four tops and a pair of shoes.

In two days I have easily spent £100. I paid for a fathers day meal and cocktails, then today I had to go to the chemist to stock up on make up and moisturiser and thing and then finally I brought a dress which I don't really think I needed.
Not to mention the large amounts of alcohol I seem to be consuming... It hurts to even look at my bank statement.
I'm going to try and be very strict with myself and not listen to the voices in my head that tell me I need to buy more clothes.
Thank fuck I get paid on Friday, from both jobs.

I admitted to my dad that I was lonely the other day. I can't believe he doesn't see it.
He thinks we're so alike, but sadly I'm far more like my mother than he or I would like.
She loves being around people, being the centre of attention at all times and always thinking that shes better than someone.
Thankfully I'm not that similar to her, however I do like to always be around people.
I get ever so lonely and really struggled with being an only child.
I used to fill my bed up with cuddly toys just so it would feel like there was someone else with me. I still keep one at the end of my bed and of course I have my fish. Just hearing their water pump and knowing they are there helps me sleep better at night.

Rhianna is like my sister. I'll never be closer to anyone than I am to her.
I love my dad a hell of a lot. But me and Rhianna know each other better than we know our selves. We're soul friends. And right now shes half way across the world. We've kept it touch via email and facebook, but tis never the same. I miss hearing her voice and the smell of her perfume. It's sad and probably slightly pathetic as I will see her in four weeks now, but its days like this when I could really do with a cuddle and a glass of wine with a friend.

Oooo Went out for coffee with Ex at the weekend. That was odd, to say the very least. He paid, well I wasn't gunna fuckin do it, not when he still owes me money. We chatted about our families and our jobs and the moment. I made fun of his iphone, because iphones are just blackberrys with loads of extra stupid pointless shit, oh and no keys because they want to make owning one a real challenge.
When I left him, literally two mins later I had a text from him telling me how great it was to see me again. Christ. thats the last thing I need. So I didnt text him back.
He is exhausting!!

To top it all off Glee has finished!! But wasn't that a fucking awesome series? I cant wait to round two!! :D

Yeah... im leaving now after my mega rant.
Just so you know, I haven't shared everything detail about the events on here... some things are just too private, plus I dont think anyone would really care to know.
I don't know why you are reading this shit anyway.
I like using it to vent my typing anger. You should see how fast my fingers move when I type this shit.
Thats why you should please excuse any typo's you see. I dont like to read back over it in case I chicken out and delete the whole fucking thing.

Hope you are having a better week than I am.

Love x

I'm such a screw up.

I wrote a big blog post about the shit I've gotten myself into and then chickened out and couldn't bring myself to post it.


Basically it comes down to this: Why should I expect other people to respect me if I don't have any for myself.


When I've worked out how to do that then maybe I'll tell you about the shit I got into and how I got myself out of it.

Go fuck yourself.

Ok so I don't think I need to tell you how busy I am right now.
However a girl does have needs, so I had organised with Rex to meet up at his place on Saturday night. I was due to be finishing early and he said he was just going to the pub for a couple of drinks. I was even being reasonable and saying I would just get a taxi to his when I finish work, we would have the whole night and Sunday day together then!

So just before I started work on Saturday I text him asking if we were still on and that I would call him when i finished work to get his address.
When I checked my phone at 11:30, which was when I finished work, he said that he couldn't wait to see me etc, etc.

I changed out of my work clothes, which I don't normally do and put on a nice dress. Even if he was just going to take it off as soon as he saw me I haven't seen him in a while so it felt nice to make the effort.

I rang his phone to get the address before I left work and it rang to voice mail, I thought maybe he was just busy to tried again a few minuets later. Nothing. I gave him a text letting him know why I had rang and asked him to just text me address. Nothing.

By this point I was on my second glass of wine sitting in work with my work mates wondering why the hell I hadn't fucked off yet. Good fucking question.

You know there is a lot of shit I will forgive people for, making me look like a fool is not one of them.
I texted him one last time.

"Would you answer your phone if I said this was your last chance you would get to sleep with me?!"

Nothing.

That was my mind made up. Our fuck buddy relationship is over. What's the point if I can't get it when I want it?

I received a grovelling text the next day. Apparently he got really drunk during a drinking game with his friends and then passed out.
 He is being ignored and can go fuck himself for all I care.

I know we're not in a relationship, but we are friends and if you say you're going to meet up with a friend you don't stand them up/let them down.

You might see this as an over reaction, but frankly I don't have enough hours in the day as it is. If I set hours aside to spend time with you I expect you to use them and accept them gratefully.

And this isn't the first time he's let me down. I'm tired of hearing his drunken excuses, the great sex just isn't worth the hassle.

Fucking shouldn't be this hard.

Just had to share this.

Could listen to Mark Watson all day.

Hello crazy bored people who seem to find me amusing!

How are we all today?

Well, I have had an interesting couple of days!

Rhianna has now left to go to Tokyo and beyond!
It was a very sad event saying goodbye to her. We've never really had to say goodbye before. Since we have met each other we've only ever spent a couple of weeks at the most apart. I can't say that these next 11 weeks are going to be easy, but we'll give it a damn good try!
The focus right now is to keep positive and not dwell on how long I have to wait until I see her again!

Still she is already keeping me amused with her travel blog, and for those bad days when I am really missing her she has written me some letters.

I wrote her 11 letters. One to open for every Thursday that she is away.

Gave her a good send off anyway!
Saturday night we hit the town! Meal with her family first, polished off a nice bottle of wine.
Then headed to meet up with some of our other friends.
I use the term "friends" loosely though.
They barely spoke to me or Rhianna and completely ignored Immy!
They didn't get a drink, said they couldn't be bothered, which always makes the situation awkward.
Thankfully they didn't stay the whole night; I might have asked them to leave if they hadn't of done it themselves.
We joined up with this group of men who were on a stag night! They were all early thirties, so not really in our man hunting range but still a nice group of people to hang out with and they were only too willing to buy us drinks.
The stag man was dressed as Orville the duck! Haha! And i do believe there is a photo of me kicking around with Orville's head on.
I gave one man parenting advice. He's got two young girls and he's terrified he wont do right by them as teenagers. Aww bless.

Speaking of fathers, it was my Daddy's birthday yesterday!
We had Indian takeaway and Cake! :D
Yay!! Happy Birthday, Gaffa!

Been thinking recently that it would be nice to be in a proper relationship again. Or I'm not sure if I can say again, since my last relationship was such a disaster.
By the end of it we just lost all respect for one another.
I gave everything I had to him, including my money, and he just drained me.
He didn't break my heart, he slowly squeezed it until all the juice ran out and there was nothing left, except a dried up prune heart.

I've never been one for believing in souls or anything like that, but I cannot deny that when I think about how he made me feel, my chest hurts, right in area above my heart.

Obviously my heart isn't physically broken, but perhaps there is something there that is connected to the emotions in our brains.

Its that feeling you get when you listen to Snow Patrol. (Run/Chasing Cars.)
Don't even try to deny it.
Or even, Enrique Iglesias - Hero.

You know what I mean, where you get goosebumps, the hairs on your arms stand up on end and you feel the need to place your hand over your chest because of the dull ache that is stuck inside of it.

I'm not sad, or in any way depressed. In fact I think I would class myself as happy. However I do feel like something is missing. Like I need someone to come along and put the juice back into my heart.

But how do you go about doing that?

How do you let people know that you are looking for a relationship without actually saying it?
And how do you meet that person?

It all just seems impossible.
The mind boggles.

Take care my kittens x

Tuaca - A drink for dancing with the devil.

Hello my darlings,

Well I have had a very busy last couple of weeks, working almost constantly, sleeping whenever I am home and getting drunk in the spaces in-between!

Finally met back up with Rex after what was turning into a very long dry spell! It wasn't as epic as I would have liked though... An hour's fuck and then he dropped me off in town in time for work. How -I would say romantic but I would never go as far as to expect romance or even desire it from him- sexy. *sarcface*

However, I did then go and by myself a fantastic pair of heels. :D

Devastated to say that my best friend is leaving a week tomorrow to go on her round the world trip. So happy and excited for her but I selfishly want her to stay here with me. I shall be so lonely without her.
She's the sister I always wanted. My life feels so much more complete when she's around. Does that sound sad? I suppose I shall have many things to distract me while she's away.

Random blast from the past text me last night...
We haven't spoken in months and then all of a sudden he texts me and tells me he's "available for a shag if I ever fancy it."
You know what? I'm good thanks.
It's fucking outrageous the way blokes think they can treat women.

I'm sure other women can't get this much drama in their lives.

I was also propositioned for webcam sex today. In case you don't know what that it, its when you watch one another get yourselves off. Am I giving out some kind of signal that says "HORNY BOYS COME HERE!"?

Last weekend I made the mistakes of going out with my work mates after a long ass shift.
I had 4-5 beers and a shot of tuaca. I was hammered.
The night is a very big blur...
I remember dancing on a chair...
Telling some guy he was a jackass and making the drunk bastard cry.
Finding some people having sex in a public toilet.
Oh and puking up in my bosses toilet.

Apparently I was too drunk to go home by myself, so my boss to me back to his place... I woke up to him grinding on my ass. He's such a player. He's slept with 8 of the cocktail waitresses. All of whom have had to leave due to awkwardness.
He thinks all women want to fuck him. He is good looking but the arrogance of the man is astounding. At first its charming but now I'm just bored of hearing him talk about himself all the time. He needs grow up and realise he's no better than the average man, with an average sized penis.

I'm told I also said some very filthy things to another co-worker. Who now says he wants to get me more drunk and then take advantage of me because its "funny".

HA I do love what I did to him last night though. He's all cocky and confident, using every innuendo under the sun to try and make me feel uncomfortable. Then when we finish work and go up to the staff room, I start getting changed out of my work clothes in front of him. Gets himself completely flustered and takes his shoes off just to have something to do and stop himself from staring...
"Why did you take you're shoes off? Did you bring a change of shoes?"
Still looking at the floor "No, I don't know. Ah! Are you dressed yet?"
Mwhahah! Men are so easy.

I am just not a nice person when I am PMT...  I gain a serious attitude problem. I guess I never really noticed it before since I usually haven't been doing anything all that stressful during that time, but having two jobs and dealing with PMT is no easy task.
I actually feel embarrassed for my horrible behaviour. As we have already discussed, a strange concept to me.
I have apologised... but I have a feeling I may have changed a few peoples opinions of me in the past couple of days. Well I suppose I have a while now till it happens again to turn their opinion back around, but will it be enough? Generally I don't care what people think about me, you can accept me for who I am or go fuck yourself. However, these are people that I work with... in a job that I really like. Therefore I should probably suck my pride and pull out the sugar coated version of ones self.

Anyway I shall wrap this up now, hope these few little anecdotes keep to entertained until I post again.

Much love x

A blog on the go.

Hello, I have recently discovered that I can Blog from my phone.
So here I am trying it out... Seems a bit ridiculous that I'm doing it while sat right next to my computer...
Maybe ill just change rooms... There we go, I am now sat in my kitchen!

Haven't been doing a lot the last couple of days. Had two very long days at work! Urgh! Very happy I have the day off!

Posted new blog post for Fanficers Anonymous last night though! I've really missed doing it, but i didn't get to do it with my wifey like we usually do :(
We've both been so busy recently and with the time difference it feels like I never get to chat to her anymore! *sadpanda*

Rex has told me he's got some sort of master plan, involving the picture of his perfect peen that I have been hankering for! Yummy scummy! But I'm an impatient whore and want it now! He's such a tease!
I've already decided that I'm going to handcuff him in his sleep, will serve him right!

Had one of my ex's pop up and say hello to me. Always strange when that happens, especially if you didn't end on good terms. He was asking advice on a girl he likes, she's got a boyfriend. Then I was also telling him the secret to a good fuck buddy relationship!
At least the fact that I broke up with him because I didn't have any real feelings for him means I'm not materialistic... Although perhaphs I should have been! Very wealthy, took me to alton towers for our first date (sort of like disney land) we had sex behind one of the rides. What? We got bored queuing!
He's now doing a degree in computer science!
Its strange... At the time, I thought he was really attractive and I suppose after the guys I had been dating he was, but now he is so not my type!

Ok well I think I have bored you enough, I'm going to go anD watch Some like it hot! Who doesn't love a bit of marilyn in the morning?

Ciao bambino! X
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Living for the weekend.

Went to my work for cocktails with my friends on Friday night! They were delicious and the cocktails were pretty nice too ;)
I was very pleased to discover that I get staff discount!
Therefore we stayed for more drinks than planned and I got very drunk on Hummingbird Martini's.
Its not one which you will be familiar with, but basically its a Martini with ginger, lemon-grass and pineapple juice in it. So fucking good in other words.
We also has;
Parisian Cafe (espresso based drink.) Made us very hyper.
Bourbon Blush (strawberry and whisky)
Innocent Daiquiri (Peach puree and rum, among other things.)
Passion Julip (Passionfruit and whisky based)
Pear and Elderflower Collins. (not sure what's in this one, but its damn good. Very nice summer drink)

It was very awkward at first, drinking in the place I work, since earlier that night I had told my friends about the little incident that happened last weekend...
A colleague of mine, who has a long term girl friend, kissed me. I quickly put a stop to it.
For many reasons.
My morals possibly could be bent if I found him seriously attractive and wanted to have his children. However  he's not really my type, eight years older than me, and obviously has a girlfriend.

So Friday night was the first time I had seen him since walking away from him last weekend. When I first saw him, we said hello and there was this definite eye contact thing going on. Like you know how people talk about the big pink elephant in the room? Like that. Only not as uncomfortable.
I refuse to let it become weird, he is, when not trying to cheat on his girlfriend, a very nice guy.
My friends instantly knew it was him and started kicking me under the table and trying to discreetly poke me.
I hate it when they do this, they weren't being discreet, they were being incredibly uncool and making it difficult for me to pretend like everything is OK!
We went and sat down at a table and everything was fine, we shared cock talk, the girls commented on how lucky I was to work with so many hot guys (*sigh* yes I know. The eye candy is good, but its for looking not for touching!) and then we laughed at a very funny joke about lead hosiery (that's tights to regular folk).

I noticed him walking around out from behind the bar a lot, I know for a fact he never really does this, he was collecting glasses and coming over to talk us and stuff... I got the feeling he was doing it just to watch me or talk to me. Sounds vain, but when I shared my fears with my friends they agreed. My fears were solidified last night at work, but I shall address that later, on with the rest of the cocktail night!

After we left the bar I work in we had arranged to meet some guy friends of ours, one of them being my friends boyfriend. We were just going to go for one drink with them, have a chat and then part ways.
We turned up at the bar and sat outside with our drinks. The guys were like 45 minutes late and when they turned up they had more people with them than we thought. TWO of my ex boyfriends were there.
One of them none of us can even stand to be near him. One of my friends was a bit drunk... well a lot... so she instantly started getting a bit mouthy with them. They hadn't even brought their own drinks yet...

I shared a very awkward moment, with my most recent ex boy friend. He was a total fuck head without even trying. The conversation went something like this...
"Hiya," *reluctantly hugs and receives kiss on the cheek* "How are you?" I continued.
"I'm good, really good." he replied.
"Wonderful." I said sarcastically before walking away back over to my source of alcohol.

Jack ass. In all the time I've known him, until we broke up he never answered that question with "really good", it was always just "good" or "alright".
I know he is still single and still living at home with his nagging mother, so what the fuck could be so good about his life that he feels the need to rub in it?
He looked like a cock too. He's started slicking his hair back! So much gel I wanted to throw up.
At least I know I did the right thing.

After putting us in a fowl mood the boys buggered off. Leaving the three off us fuming mad and drunk.
We didn't let it pull us down though; we went to the next bar we could find and started on the shots.
They were playing pretty good music, so we had a little dance and a sing song.

Lost my single friend for a good twenty minutes only to discover her in the toilets drunk dialling her ex boyfriend, setting up a sex date! To our hilarity her defence was "Look! He's got a big knob, OK?!".
I'm glad to say that, after a quick reminder of why she broke up with him, she cancelled the sex hook up.

The night ended with the girls coming back to my place, take away food in toe and us all snuggling up in bed together.

All in all, it was a very successful and fun night out.

Saturday was glorious. Beautiful sunshine, and a nice temperature too.
My dad, step mum, youngest step brother and myself all went out for lunch. We sat in the bar/restaurant  garden drinking beer and munching on yummy food.
Very nice, a lovely way to spend the day before heading off to work.

I must say, I wasn't in the best of moods Saturday night though, I was working post hangover and the DJ was playing terrible music. I kinda shut down and went on auto pilot; getting on with my work but not really chatting to people as much as I normally do.

To add to irritation... like I said earlier my fears were confirmed.  He made a couple of innuendo joke, that told me that he was not going to let it go.

I quote.
Me: "This is an invasion. get out of my work area." jokingly of course.
Him: " No, this isn't an invasion. You will know when I invade you. And I will do one day." with a hint hint wink wink. *Cringe*

It gets worse

Me: "Haha check out your sale skills."
Him: "Its not just sales i'm good at gorgeous, I got talents in all areas." *cringe*

I'm planning on just pretending I didn't notice any of the shit he said. Then if he tries to make a move again I shall just reject him and hopefully he will drop it.
Men, seriously... Like a dog with a bone.

Anyway, I had a lazy day today.
Watched Roman Holiday for the first time. I adore Audrey Hepburn.
And then me and my dad watched Burn After Reading. You know the one with Brad Pitt, George Cloony and that woman from Fargo? It was very good, I liked a lot. The Coen brother are very talented and I always enjoy what they do.

Anyway, I'm just trying to get my head around a dream I had earlier, it contained many disturbing images and showed the frightening consequences of time travel, which I wont share with you.


Take care my darlings.

xxx

Shopping and Dumping

Good Evening!

Another beautiful day in Bristol. However on my way to work this morning I passed by the Travelling Funfair that has set up camp, was very disappointed to see that people loose all respect for our precious Downs when there is a funfair in town. Litter was everywhere! I hate litter. It is one of my pet hates, I just don't understand it.
Also, portable BBQ's. I wont bitch about this too much, but it does burn the grass and leaves these horrible brown patches everywhere... However what I want to know is why can't they put them in a bin when they have finished with them?!

The Funfair costs a fortune. Charges over 16's £11 to get in and then you have to pay for the rides which are like £1-2 each. Ridiculous.
You know who I feel sorry for though? Security guard and the A&E that are on stand by at ALL times, waiting for some little shit to not follow the safety rules of a ride then fall out and break his/her arm.
Surely they have better things to do?

Another thing I saw on my way to work, and you my have seen my tweet about this, but a street cleaner playing with himself! He was on one of the busiest roads in Bristol, turned himself slightly to the side then stuck his hands in his pants and just started jerking off... whilst staring at a pigeon... I think. Made me LOL very hard. I was on the phone to my friend at the time and of course just had to tell her, and alerted everyone else on the bus to the perverted man.

Speaking of said phone call, I would like to raise another topic. Dumping.
Never a nice thing to do, never a nice thing to have done, but if you're getting dumped or are dumping someone then the chances are the other person isn't right for you anyway.

My friend, will mention no names, is currently trying to dump her rebound.
She went into it thinking it would be a one night stand... then it turned into a casual sex thing... now he's introducing her to friends, family etc. Its all gotten too much for her, plus she no longer find him attractive (He has a tiny cock apparently!).

She asked for my advice when she first decided that she no longer wants to see him anymore and I said to play it cool, gently show him disinterest so that it wont come as such a blow when you do tell him. (Its never nice if it comes out of nowhere) However, this has backfired. She's been giving him the cold shoulder for weeks now and she just cant get up the courage to actually do the final act! I told her that now she is just being a bitch and needs to stop playing him. Shes worried about hurting his feelings but I think his feelings have already been hurt.
He even asked her the "Are we ok?" question and she said "YES!" What is wrong with her? She had an opening!

She keeps trying to turn him off, so like not putting make up on, dressing casually when she sees him, refusing to have sex, etc. But I know for a fact that she would be seriously pissed off if he turned around and dumped her before she got the chance to do it herself!

I don't know what more advice I can give her. Its not fair to him and its making her unhappy, she just has to man the fuck up. Heed my advice ladies and gents.

Went shopping after work today. I have a serious problem when it comes to spending money. Once I start I just can't seem to stop!
I took advantage of my staff discount today, brought a denim shirt and a summer dress (nautical). Then I went in 3 other stores and tried on roughly 7 dresses in each. I love trying on clothes. I often find it hard to find stuff that sits right though, I have quite broad shoulders and big boobs which don't match my tiny waist. I managed to restrain myself in these stores as I knew I'd be heading out tonight and spending a fortune on drinks and taxi's. However I couldn't resist the sale in Hollister and got myself a little strap top for the summer.
And then finally I had to pop into my favourite sex shop and pick up a few little treats for when I hopefully see Rex this weekend.

All in all, I spent far too much. I'm supposed to be saving but with paying rent and stuff, I'm currently spending everything I earn. Bad times. Oh well, Isn't that what beings young's all about?

I realised today that I feel no embarrassment. I was wearing a light short summer dress and a gust of wind blew it up right in front of a group of guys. They wolf whistled and laughed. I felt nothing. I just giggled pushed it down and then walked off. Do I have no shame?
I also had to run for the bus, in my tiny dress, and the bus driver laughed and me and made a big thing about it. I seriously just don't care.
I hope this amused you as much as those guys and the bus driver. :)

Last final comment.

I watched Becoming Jane last night, whilst dying my hair (turned out great btw, I love it), cried my fucking eyes out. If you know me at all then you know that's not an easy thing for me to do. I love it. I love James McAvoy
This film is a definite must watch. Even if to just see McAvoy's gorgeous naked bum. hehe!

Hope you all have a lovely Friday night, I know I will.

xxx

Funeral Songs.

Hello world.

A rather mundane day today. Work. Fun times.
However, I was highly entertained when my good friend tweeted me pictures for when I finished work. Its the simple things in my life that make my days. A kind thought and a good deed goes a long way.

We had a beautiful day here in Bristol today, the first signs of summer and I can't get enough of it!

Going to be dying my hair tonight. Need to be more blonde again, I am hating this light brown rubbish!

Had a really morbid conversation with my father tonight.
I wanted to know if he had any particulars about his funeral. Not that he'll be popping his clogs any time soon *knock on wood* but its nice to be prepared. I wouldn't want to give him a send off that he would of hated just because I never asked.

His favourite band is REM so I immediately thought of "Everybody Hurts". Its a real tear jerker, just want you need at funerals. Most of my dads family and friends live over 300 miles away; he's worried none of them would turn up. The mother fuckers. I'd kick them all the way into that church!

I already know he'd rather be cremated rather than buried... in fact if he had his way he'd get a Viking burial, but that's just far too complicated to organize while I'm grieving.

Just in case I die tomorrow...
Songs: I'll be seeing you - Billie Holiday
Somewhere over the Rainbow - Eva Cassidy
Dog Days are over - Florence + The machine
Never Forget You - The Noisettes
Broken Stones - Paul Weller
Holding Back the Years - Simply Red
Run - Snow Patrol
Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
You've got her in your pocket - The White Stripes.

Ok so its a longer list than I thought it would be... Obviously some aren't appropriate for a church but I think they reflect the way I see death. All very amazing songs by the way. If you haven't heard of some of them go and have a little listen.
I try not to look at death as the end. Its not heaven, because I'm not Christian, but its something else. Another part of the worlds process. You become part of the earth around you. You've left your mark, now its time to make room for somebody else to leave theirs.
Some of them I chose for personal reasons, of which I wont go into, but each song is very special to me.

I'd like my best friend, Rhianna, to read a poem too. Have yet to decide which, i'm sure she'd pick something nice and quirky!

Anyway... on a less morbid note:

Cocktail night tomorrow night woo! No boys, just girls, getting drunk. I loves it! However... the last time I went on a girl night out me and my friend ended up going back to this group of guys house that they shared.... Uhho!

Until next time darlings.
xxx

Holding onto my youth.

Recently I've felt like my life has been running away from me. Its become this huge whirlwind and I'm just along for the ride. I spent a lot of time not doing very much now I struggle to find a spare five minutes.

But this is how I'm going to spend my spare five minutes.

Blogging about the other one thousand four hundred and thirty five minutes of my day.

Had a day off work today so have been cleaning the flat for most of the day. I find that I am getting better at throwing things away, I feel this is a sign of growing up. I no longer need to hold on to useless objects to remember a certain occasion or be reminded that someone is important to me. However, I shall try to keep hold of some of my hoarding skills as it will come in handy if I get old and start to forget things. Would be nice to have a few reminders of my youth. Remembering the days when I had hips like Sharika and tits that were still at a man's eye level. (No I am not freakishly tall or hanging out with short men, but since when have men ever looked at your face before your tits?)

Was listening to lost prophets as I cleaned. I always forget how much I love them. Back in the day when I was going to loads of gigs, of which were mostly shitty emo bands, why did I never get tickets to see them?! Obviously its not too late or anything, I just should have done it when I still loved to mosh, now I'll be one of those older people at gigs who just drink beer in the corner and nod along while watching all the younger crazy kids jump into one another like frogs in a bucket, only faster.

I updated my babies names book today. There is a section in the back for notes... I've had it since I was 12 and every year I put a new set of baby names in, some have stayed the same, others have gone out of fashion. I figure that by the time I am ready to have kids I shall have the perfect names.

I chose: Grace; George; Henry; Mariella (Ella); Alexander and Lily. 

Now don't go thinking that I just picked these off the top of my head, a lot of thought goes into this.

Nicknames that can be given (how it can be shorted etc.); the meaning/origin behind the name; how it goes with my second name and how it fits with other second names. As you can probably tell, I like traditional names.

Playing a stupid game with a guy at the moment, titled "Who can play it cooler". I'm already bored. 

Why cant we just say what we are thinking? Why do we have to skirt around the truth.

Now I know what you are thinking, and let me set this straight, I do not have feeling for this guy.

We are fuck buddies, plain and simple. 

He doesn't want a girlfriend and frankly I can't be dealing with the drama behind having a boyfriend. So why the game playing?

I think he thinks that because he's obviously gods gift to women *sarcastic face* that I must have changed my mind. I haven't implied that in any fucking way. Unless telling him that I can't wait to get his head back between my legs counts. 

This guy might come up on my blog often and because this is available to the public I shall change his name to... *flicks through babies names book* Rex. 

Oh look, Rex is on Facebook, lets see what he has to say.

Until next time I suppose.

xxx