twi-con

hello darlings.

Well I'm writing to you back in New Jersey now, just spent a lovely couple of hours sun bathing on the lake!

Had a great weekend in Boston at the Twilight Convention.
Boo Boo Stuart is adorable. Spent whole weekend signing autographs and talking to fans. Bless him. Felt rather uncomfortable when he went in for the hug to tell you the truth! You come into my personal space when I invite you! Not the other way round, no matter what film you are in. Obviously the likes of Charlie Bewley, Kellan Lutz and Daniel Cudmore are always welcome, not just in my personal space, but in my intimate space as well, if ya know what I'm saying!

The Q&A's with the cast were awesome! They were all really friendly and didnt take themselves too seriously! In fact some of them were hysterical!!

Got autographs from all of them and even found out tat Charlie went to University at the University I'm going to in September! I have a new love. I always knew I would end up with a British man. its not just Americans who love the accent! Hes a charmer, I can tell!

Got to see a small sliver of Boston and what I saw I really liked! Its definitely a place I could see myself living.

Food wise, ive had some American Pizza, Nutterbutters (my gaffa would love them!!), Spicy mac and cheese; I had this at the hard rock cafe, i'd still like to check out the Kraft version before I go back. Baby Ruth; a chocolate bar not dissimilar to out Picnic bars. very delicious.

Lots more to tell you but Im desperate for a shower and Jess has just got out of the bathroom!

So tata for now folkes!

Much loves xxx

If you could only see, the beast you made of me.

Everything always just seems to go that little bit too far.

Problems and emotions always just get bigger and more complicated and more painful.
I said once that I feel no shame. It's true I don't, or not as much as I should. I do on the other hand feel guilt.
I made out with someone else's boyfriend. More than that, I probably would have fucked him while she was in the next room asleep if I hadn't of been on my period.

I suppose I should take the advice that I gave a couple of my friends not too long ago.
"You're not the one that's cheating its not your fucking problem."

I still agree with that and it does help to lessen my guilt, however... there is that small issue of respecting yourself.
I know he's not going to break up with her, I know there is no chance of a relationship with us, so why do I let him get close to me? I'm just asking to get hurt.

I already know the answer to this, because aside from really turning me on he is a fucking fantastic friend, and I don't have many of those. He also reminds me of my dad in certain ways, where I know that is some Freudian fucked up shit, my dad is a great guy and I would be lucky to find a guy like him... that im NOT related to.

There are plenty of other guys I could go for if I really wanted to... for some reason Im never interested in those guys though.

The ones that could actually go somewhere and be a real relationship.

I like to think that I am strong and confident and wouldn't let any man take advantage of me, but there are those to slip through the net and I end up letting them walk all over me.

Is the trick just to not let anyone get close to you?

I cant stop shopping.
Im suppose to be saving but everytime I leave my work, which is in the centre of town, if i dont have to rush off to meet my dad i'll end up shopping. I'm spending it faster than I can earn it when I'm supposed to be saving. For those split seconds though I feel good buying something. Walking around the shops and feeling like I am important and part of something. I've brought so many new clothes recently I can barely keep up. At least one new item of clothing per week.
Last week I brought four tops and a pair of shoes.

In two days I have easily spent £100. I paid for a fathers day meal and cocktails, then today I had to go to the chemist to stock up on make up and moisturiser and thing and then finally I brought a dress which I don't really think I needed.
Not to mention the large amounts of alcohol I seem to be consuming... It hurts to even look at my bank statement.
I'm going to try and be very strict with myself and not listen to the voices in my head that tell me I need to buy more clothes.
Thank fuck I get paid on Friday, from both jobs.

I admitted to my dad that I was lonely the other day. I can't believe he doesn't see it.
He thinks we're so alike, but sadly I'm far more like my mother than he or I would like.
She loves being around people, being the centre of attention at all times and always thinking that shes better than someone.
Thankfully I'm not that similar to her, however I do like to always be around people.
I get ever so lonely and really struggled with being an only child.
I used to fill my bed up with cuddly toys just so it would feel like there was someone else with me. I still keep one at the end of my bed and of course I have my fish. Just hearing their water pump and knowing they are there helps me sleep better at night.

Rhianna is like my sister. I'll never be closer to anyone than I am to her.
I love my dad a hell of a lot. But me and Rhianna know each other better than we know our selves. We're soul friends. And right now shes half way across the world. We've kept it touch via email and facebook, but tis never the same. I miss hearing her voice and the smell of her perfume. It's sad and probably slightly pathetic as I will see her in four weeks now, but its days like this when I could really do with a cuddle and a glass of wine with a friend.

Oooo Went out for coffee with Ex at the weekend. That was odd, to say the very least. He paid, well I wasn't gunna fuckin do it, not when he still owes me money. We chatted about our families and our jobs and the moment. I made fun of his iphone, because iphones are just blackberrys with loads of extra stupid pointless shit, oh and no keys because they want to make owning one a real challenge.
When I left him, literally two mins later I had a text from him telling me how great it was to see me again. Christ. thats the last thing I need. So I didnt text him back.
He is exhausting!!

To top it all off Glee has finished!! But wasn't that a fucking awesome series? I cant wait to round two!! :D

Yeah... im leaving now after my mega rant.
Just so you know, I haven't shared everything detail about the events on here... some things are just too private, plus I dont think anyone would really care to know.
I don't know why you are reading this shit anyway.
I like using it to vent my typing anger. You should see how fast my fingers move when I type this shit.
Thats why you should please excuse any typo's you see. I dont like to read back over it in case I chicken out and delete the whole fucking thing.

Hope you are having a better week than I am.

Love x

I'm such a screw up.

I wrote a big blog post about the shit I've gotten myself into and then chickened out and couldn't bring myself to post it.


Basically it comes down to this: Why should I expect other people to respect me if I don't have any for myself.


When I've worked out how to do that then maybe I'll tell you about the shit I got into and how I got myself out of it.

Go fuck yourself.

Ok so I don't think I need to tell you how busy I am right now.
However a girl does have needs, so I had organised with Rex to meet up at his place on Saturday night. I was due to be finishing early and he said he was just going to the pub for a couple of drinks. I was even being reasonable and saying I would just get a taxi to his when I finish work, we would have the whole night and Sunday day together then!

So just before I started work on Saturday I text him asking if we were still on and that I would call him when i finished work to get his address.
When I checked my phone at 11:30, which was when I finished work, he said that he couldn't wait to see me etc, etc.

I changed out of my work clothes, which I don't normally do and put on a nice dress. Even if he was just going to take it off as soon as he saw me I haven't seen him in a while so it felt nice to make the effort.

I rang his phone to get the address before I left work and it rang to voice mail, I thought maybe he was just busy to tried again a few minuets later. Nothing. I gave him a text letting him know why I had rang and asked him to just text me address. Nothing.

By this point I was on my second glass of wine sitting in work with my work mates wondering why the hell I hadn't fucked off yet. Good fucking question.

You know there is a lot of shit I will forgive people for, making me look like a fool is not one of them.
I texted him one last time.

"Would you answer your phone if I said this was your last chance you would get to sleep with me?!"

Nothing.

That was my mind made up. Our fuck buddy relationship is over. What's the point if I can't get it when I want it?

I received a grovelling text the next day. Apparently he got really drunk during a drinking game with his friends and then passed out.
 He is being ignored and can go fuck himself for all I care.

I know we're not in a relationship, but we are friends and if you say you're going to meet up with a friend you don't stand them up/let them down.

You might see this as an over reaction, but frankly I don't have enough hours in the day as it is. If I set hours aside to spend time with you I expect you to use them and accept them gratefully.

And this isn't the first time he's let me down. I'm tired of hearing his drunken excuses, the great sex just isn't worth the hassle.

Fucking shouldn't be this hard.

Just had to share this.

Could listen to Mark Watson all day.

Hello crazy bored people who seem to find me amusing!

How are we all today?

Well, I have had an interesting couple of days!

Rhianna has now left to go to Tokyo and beyond!
It was a very sad event saying goodbye to her. We've never really had to say goodbye before. Since we have met each other we've only ever spent a couple of weeks at the most apart. I can't say that these next 11 weeks are going to be easy, but we'll give it a damn good try!
The focus right now is to keep positive and not dwell on how long I have to wait until I see her again!

Still she is already keeping me amused with her travel blog, and for those bad days when I am really missing her she has written me some letters.

I wrote her 11 letters. One to open for every Thursday that she is away.

Gave her a good send off anyway!
Saturday night we hit the town! Meal with her family first, polished off a nice bottle of wine.
Then headed to meet up with some of our other friends.
I use the term "friends" loosely though.
They barely spoke to me or Rhianna and completely ignored Immy!
They didn't get a drink, said they couldn't be bothered, which always makes the situation awkward.
Thankfully they didn't stay the whole night; I might have asked them to leave if they hadn't of done it themselves.
We joined up with this group of men who were on a stag night! They were all early thirties, so not really in our man hunting range but still a nice group of people to hang out with and they were only too willing to buy us drinks.
The stag man was dressed as Orville the duck! Haha! And i do believe there is a photo of me kicking around with Orville's head on.
I gave one man parenting advice. He's got two young girls and he's terrified he wont do right by them as teenagers. Aww bless.

Speaking of fathers, it was my Daddy's birthday yesterday!
We had Indian takeaway and Cake! :D
Yay!! Happy Birthday, Gaffa!

Been thinking recently that it would be nice to be in a proper relationship again. Or I'm not sure if I can say again, since my last relationship was such a disaster.
By the end of it we just lost all respect for one another.
I gave everything I had to him, including my money, and he just drained me.
He didn't break my heart, he slowly squeezed it until all the juice ran out and there was nothing left, except a dried up prune heart.

I've never been one for believing in souls or anything like that, but I cannot deny that when I think about how he made me feel, my chest hurts, right in area above my heart.

Obviously my heart isn't physically broken, but perhaps there is something there that is connected to the emotions in our brains.

Its that feeling you get when you listen to Snow Patrol. (Run/Chasing Cars.)
Don't even try to deny it.
Or even, Enrique Iglesias - Hero.

You know what I mean, where you get goosebumps, the hairs on your arms stand up on end and you feel the need to place your hand over your chest because of the dull ache that is stuck inside of it.

I'm not sad, or in any way depressed. In fact I think I would class myself as happy. However I do feel like something is missing. Like I need someone to come along and put the juice back into my heart.

But how do you go about doing that?

How do you let people know that you are looking for a relationship without actually saying it?
And how do you meet that person?

It all just seems impossible.
The mind boggles.

Take care my kittens x

Tuaca - A drink for dancing with the devil.

Hello my darlings,

Well I have had a very busy last couple of weeks, working almost constantly, sleeping whenever I am home and getting drunk in the spaces in-between!

Finally met back up with Rex after what was turning into a very long dry spell! It wasn't as epic as I would have liked though... An hour's fuck and then he dropped me off in town in time for work. How -I would say romantic but I would never go as far as to expect romance or even desire it from him- sexy. *sarcface*

However, I did then go and by myself a fantastic pair of heels. :D

Devastated to say that my best friend is leaving a week tomorrow to go on her round the world trip. So happy and excited for her but I selfishly want her to stay here with me. I shall be so lonely without her.
She's the sister I always wanted. My life feels so much more complete when she's around. Does that sound sad? I suppose I shall have many things to distract me while she's away.

Random blast from the past text me last night...
We haven't spoken in months and then all of a sudden he texts me and tells me he's "available for a shag if I ever fancy it."
You know what? I'm good thanks.
It's fucking outrageous the way blokes think they can treat women.

I'm sure other women can't get this much drama in their lives.

I was also propositioned for webcam sex today. In case you don't know what that it, its when you watch one another get yourselves off. Am I giving out some kind of signal that says "HORNY BOYS COME HERE!"?

Last weekend I made the mistakes of going out with my work mates after a long ass shift.
I had 4-5 beers and a shot of tuaca. I was hammered.
The night is a very big blur...
I remember dancing on a chair...
Telling some guy he was a jackass and making the drunk bastard cry.
Finding some people having sex in a public toilet.
Oh and puking up in my bosses toilet.

Apparently I was too drunk to go home by myself, so my boss to me back to his place... I woke up to him grinding on my ass. He's such a player. He's slept with 8 of the cocktail waitresses. All of whom have had to leave due to awkwardness.
He thinks all women want to fuck him. He is good looking but the arrogance of the man is astounding. At first its charming but now I'm just bored of hearing him talk about himself all the time. He needs grow up and realise he's no better than the average man, with an average sized penis.

I'm told I also said some very filthy things to another co-worker. Who now says he wants to get me more drunk and then take advantage of me because its "funny".

HA I do love what I did to him last night though. He's all cocky and confident, using every innuendo under the sun to try and make me feel uncomfortable. Then when we finish work and go up to the staff room, I start getting changed out of my work clothes in front of him. Gets himself completely flustered and takes his shoes off just to have something to do and stop himself from staring...
"Why did you take you're shoes off? Did you bring a change of shoes?"
Still looking at the floor "No, I don't know. Ah! Are you dressed yet?"
Mwhahah! Men are so easy.

I am just not a nice person when I am PMT...  I gain a serious attitude problem. I guess I never really noticed it before since I usually haven't been doing anything all that stressful during that time, but having two jobs and dealing with PMT is no easy task.
I actually feel embarrassed for my horrible behaviour. As we have already discussed, a strange concept to me.
I have apologised... but I have a feeling I may have changed a few peoples opinions of me in the past couple of days. Well I suppose I have a while now till it happens again to turn their opinion back around, but will it be enough? Generally I don't care what people think about me, you can accept me for who I am or go fuck yourself. However, these are people that I work with... in a job that I really like. Therefore I should probably suck my pride and pull out the sugar coated version of ones self.

Anyway I shall wrap this up now, hope these few little anecdotes keep to entertained until I post again.

Much love x